


BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. LITERALLY.

by ignata



Category: Zettai Kareshi | Absolute Boyfriend, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Childhood Friends, Fluff, Multi, Romance, Roommates, Sharing a Bed, romcom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignata/pseuds/ignata
Summary: A bizarre man sends you to a bizarre website with the ridiculous declaration you can buy happiness there, but androids had never crossed your mind when it came to thinking of an equation for happiness. Forced into a one week trial, you decide to take care of the... thing, so as to not incur into legal problems.Of course, Dio seethes at what he thinks is your replacement for him, your childhood best friend.Jonathan could not be more innocent.Or lovable.EXCERPT: "So you can only sit there and listen, in disbelief, how it has registered your personal details and nabbed your credit card's access info from somewhere, somehow, and is setting everything up for you to smoothly work in the following week. You want to scream.It's the first time you have wanted to murder a disembodied voice so, so badly."
Relationships: Dio Brando/Reader, Jonathan Joestar/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. LITERALLY.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gifti3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gifti3/gifts).



You are lonely.

You realize this after lovingly tracing an old album. It is dusty, and its edges are frayed. Letters are legible but the ink seems to be wearing off. The pictures are miscellanea of memories. Snapshots of happiness, unimportant events, and people you thought you knew well at some point in life. 

Dio is among them.

You rarely saw him nowadays, but you considered him your best friend--because... because he had always been there. But what did that mean? What had you shared in common through childhood, and then into adolescence...? 

Pain, is the first thing that comes to mind. Sneaking away into a library and reading side by side, is the next thought.

Getting into trouble together. Devouring people inside out when they deserved it. Spending all nighters studying, though that was mostly your fault, and then taking a stroll by the river and talking nonsense. Sharing dog-eared books and crumpled notes and dreams.

You say 'dreams', but you wonder if the two of you were ever honest about what you both wanted. Dio was less sincere than you were, always, and he had back up plan upon back up plan if things went awry. 

With such an attitude, wouldn't it be the most natural of matters if he moved on from what you thought a 'friendship'? 

You wonder.

You are lonely. You still consider someone who never rings up your phone a 'best-friend'. And you haven't exactly picked up yourself after the accident. All in all, it would be best if ties were cut loose.

If you told him all of this, what would Dio say--?

It's a wonderful morning, you think, and it's a perfect day to go sit at the park and ruminate (on whether or not you should quit the city and escape somewhere far, far away.) You grab your cane, put on a wide-rimmed hat, and leave your shabby apartment.

You tear a piece of bread apart and throw it to the pigeons. One by one, they come closer to nip-nip at the crumbs, but soon enough they puff up and fight for the food. They are plenty fat, but they still seem to be quite hungry. Or selfish.  
Dio used to be like that. Until he realized he could take everything you gave and more and you wouldn't bat an eye.

As entertained as you are, you can't help but notice the giant sitting next to you. You wanted to walk away when he first sat beside you, but there was not much shade anywhere else, and you were tired. Even now, the exhaustion doesn't quite leave your bones. 

You are hoping he remains in silence. It's nice. It's like when--

"It is quite the awful weather today, is it not?"

"... I think it's perfect. To get sunburnt, that is."

"Yes!"

You don't bother to continue. The hot air is actually good for you. In winter, your body feels as stiff as a marionette's, and your joints scream at you to stay under the blankets. Compared to that inevitable hurt, this is nice.

"Tell me, were you born like that?"

"Excuse me?"

Now you are looking at him straight on, with the stupidest, most annoyed look on your face, only to see his face break into a smile.

"Such a sullen look for such a youthful child! And they say that's the prime of life..."

Social cues. Politeness. Friendliness. All valid reasons to show a smile to a stranger. But you are not so affable today--especially not when reminscing about your best friend hurts--so you sneer. "It's not in me to smile for no reason."

"That I can see! I am William Zeppeli, by the by, and I can sell you something nobody else can."

From his vest pocket, he offers a card. Has a logo you've never seen before. Though you are not interested in buying anything from him, even if it cost a penny (it's not like you brought a single coin with yourself anyway. Careless, but...) 

You have nothing better to do so might as well humor him.

"Go on."

"Happiness."

That makes you smile. It is silly, and juvenile, and dumb... "Sir, you can't buy something like that."

He taps your hand, already tight as a fist, and winks.

"You'd be surprised.”

\---

Night falls. The evening air is cold, so you shut the windows and turn on a heater. You've switched on the TV, but it plays for itself as you down a few pain killers. For dinner, you might do a few eggs. With vegetables, of course. And some juice.

You are not really hungry, but you can't go to bed like this.

Plopping down on the couch, you remember the annoying peddler, and then the card. You find it buried in your dirty clothes--sleek logo design, no numbers, only a website address.

'NERV', it says.

Booting up your dying laptop takes a while.

You wonder what ridiculous product he's selling. If it's another useless piece of metal and plastic to make life a little lazier. Or worse. You grow apprehensive when you consider the possibility of more unusual and risque services. But then again it's just your brain jumping to conclusions.

The site's front page features a naked man and the gilded, golden words of 'perfect love'. 

Your brain takes a while to reboot and register the glitter effect on the words and the little music playing in the background.

It's ridiculous, but it's what you had to expect in the first place.

You sigh and close the tab. Only it doesn't and you wonder if your computer froze and whether or not you should invest on a better antivirus. The words keep floating through the screen, and you feel a little embarrassed by the corny phrases that seem to be taken out of a decades old joke book. Did you get into a time machine, hm? This is shameful. You close the screen, and suppose that will be that. Until audio blares through your apartment and you fucking jolt and try to mute it. To no avail. Your worst fear is that the neighbors will hear 'RENTAL BOYFRIEND' 'ENDLESS USES' 'WARM BODIES, MORE REALISTIC THAN EVER BEFORE' thanks to this shitty joke of a webpage.

You pop in your headphones to the computer, though they are still blaring, so you don't exactly escape the auditory assault of explicit information.

In the end, this is what you know:

Old man Zeppeli sent you to what's basically a sex androids website, and their cutting edge technology allows them to boast on creating something almost identical to a human. Shame you can't see the real thing because then you would be able to denounce on the design horrors peddlers try to cover up with sweetened words. It's only when the hellsite decides it's going to ship you a seven-day trial product that you panic. Your laptop is unresponsive, you don't know how to cancel it, and you don't want to break something again. 

But it should be okay, right? Because for these kind of things you have to input the address and names and method of payment, right?

So you can only sit there and listen, in disbelief, how it has registered your personal details and nabbed your credit card's access info from somewhere, somehow, and is setting everything up for you to smoothly work in the following week.

You want to scream.

It's the first time you have wanted to murder a disembodied voice so, so badly.

**Author's Note:**

> AU Idea not mine -- thanks to Gifti3 for their concept @ tumblr. I am emotionally dry/creativity dead but I got inspired so! Might write up some more AU things in the next days. Like a FARM!AU... or a FAIRYTALE!AU... indecisive but I'll get there.


End file.
